observer's bias
by love laika
Summary: Small things brought Asuka back down to Earth. Orange hair teasing the edges of her vision, the slight jingling of zippers with each step she took, the crisp clacking of boots on cement.
1. Analogue

Stayed Up All Night /mix/vwHHmpZ

* * *

The hazy bright neon of the city lit the way before her. The empty streets at this hour made it feel vast. A huge horizon stretching out before her. And still, she had nowhere to go.

She didn't know why she would stay out this late. It wasn't safe for a 14 year old by herself, she certainly couldn't really defend herself if a dedicated drunkard came for her. It was the only time she could find peace, though. Breathing in the cold air gave her clarity that was missing during the day.

Life was… just so fuzzy. The world whipped by around her and she couldn't keep up. She felt like she was living somewhere else entirely. An observer sent to observe humanity and Earth and the complicated, trivial lives people live, but never to interact with them.

She gripped her Walkman tighter, paying special attention to the quiet clicking as she pressed play and the motors resumed. It was a tape she had created especially for these moments of loneliness. She liked tapes, they provided a tactile sensation that digital music and discs couldn't provide. The small perfections of analog made the music feel real.

Small things brought her back down to Earth. Orange hair teasing the edges of her vision, the slight jingling of zippers with each step she took, the crisp clacking of boots on cement.

She saw around the corner, flashing multicolored lights and the thumping of bass. A late night arcade was one of the few businesses still open. She stood and watched for a few minutes. Young men and women trickled in and out. Most were in small groups laughing and shouting, enjoying the after work hours. A few were alone.

She was alone.

She kept walking, past the arcade, past an all night manga cafe. They were alone in there, just like her. Alone together, packed into a grid of tiny cubicles only centimeters apart. They were surrounded by opportunities to know each other but lacked the courage to do so.

She could understand. She'd barely talked to anyone since joining the company (well not that she had really tried). She couldn't shake the feeling that she didn't really belong there. Everyone, god this was corny even for her, everyone was happy except her. Even if she couldn't be "cute" or "passionate" she felt out of place with the "cool idols".

She felt… she felt like they couldn't understand each other. Or that she couldn't understand them. How they saw a world full of so much color and joy. Genuine enjoyment from singing and dancing and the endless touring, fan events and she just.

didn't.

understand.

She heard the tell-tale click of her cassette beginning to auto-rewind. She popped open the recorder and loaded it with another mix she kept with her. It was for a girl she met a few months ago. The only person she'd really "known" after moving to Tokyo.

Scrawled in red marker, it read "for Any Girl".


	2. Travelogue

Stayed Up All Night /mix/4bp-c95

* * *

She met Shiki right after moving to Tokyo as a part of her first unit gig. She didn't really like idols, but the Producer lady practically begged her. Shiki wasn't like anyone else at the company, even the others in her eccentric LiPPS gang. She struck Asuka immediately.

The first thing anyone noticed about Shiki was her hair. It shined a dark pink, always knotted and messy. The way it curved and curled all over the place resembled some deep-sea creature. It also looked like it hadn't been properly cut in years. Hidden beneath the hair was her sky blue eyes. Plenty of idols at 346 had blue eyes, but none glittered with energy like hers. Pools ready to overflow with excitement and curiosity.

Shiki's attire often betrayed the beauty in her face, though. Dirty lab coats with stained tank tops and shorts. She never wore shoes around the office. On stage, she traded for the sensual pinks and reds. Shiki the goofball, the nerd, became Shiki the seductress. Asuka also heard her voice dip dangerously low.

It was, honestly, too much for Asuka. She… caught herself staring too long sometimes. At a photo shoot, she dived into a fountain, expensive dress and all, without a second thought. With her hair slick and sticky and clothes soaked completely through, Asuka knew.

She couldn't say she knew exactly what love was, but this sure felt like it. She felt heavy when she wasn't around Shiki, the color of everything felt more intense when Shiki was there. She made Asuka feel real.

That's why she followed Shiki when she "disappeared" one evening after practice. She had to know this girl. They never really had alone time before. Who was Shiki? Asuka felt attached to her in a way she couldn't with everyone else. Shiki has full of energy and charisma, but there was something else. Something inside Shiki that made her different, something Asuka thought she also had.

* * *

" _...As long as it's interesting, I'll keep changing who I am. If need be, I'd quit research or move to another country."_

 _Do you have something that you can call 'you'?"_

" _I'm not interested in that…."_

* * *

" _...The life you're living and the life we see you living aren't the same?"_

" _Exactly."_

* * *

" _I wonder, what qualifies as an idol?"_

" _Singing, dancing, doing live performances, going on talk shows, gravure shoots, et cetera, et cetera."_

 _How far does an idol need to go to reach the top? Who do I need to be known by to be an idol… I wonder if Dad will see me. I wish I talked to Mom…"_

" _Shiki…"_

* * *

They lied next to each other on parallel futons. Asuka stared at the ceiling trying to piece together what Shiki had told her during their "disappearance". Going up and down Tokyo was exhausting. After hiking up down the mountain, her legs were jelly. There was no way she'd make it back to her dorm that night and Shiki certainly had no intention of going home yet.

So here she was, sharing a room with a beautiful girl and kind of going on a date with her. Well, it was kind of a date. Most dates probably don't get quite as philosophical, but Asuka considers herself a bit of a nerd like that.

Shiki hadn't said much after checking into their room. She was on her side, looking away from Asuka and through their window. Faint city lights were visible, but otherwise it was almost pitch black out. Just the ocean and the stars.

"Asuka… I'm sorry I lied to you."

"Shiki? You didn't-"

"I did!"

She hadn't turned to face her yet, but Asuka thought she could hear her voice wavering uncharacteristically.

"I-I don't understand what you lied about… Something today?"

She was afraid now, she'd never seen Shiki act like this before. Her whole body was tense and trembling now

"...n…...o.… m…."

"I'm sorry… I uh, couldn't really hear that."

Shiki whipped around so they were facing each other. Her eyes were open wide and somehow looked duller.

"I don't know who I am! All that garbage about always being someone new and not conforming to anyone's expectations was bullshit! I don't know! I don't know! I don't know I don't know idontknowidontknowidontknow"

She was shouting now, her voice cracking, tears starting to spill over, and elbows pounding the ground. Asuka leaned over and grabbed her hands and tried to soothe her.

"Hey, hey Shiki. It's going to be okay, just relax. You're Shiki, you're right in front of me a-and I'm right here too."

Shiki's voice lowered to a mumble, she was still trembling and rocking back and forth, but she was already better. This person wasn't Shiki, the girl in front of her was fragile. Her tear-streaked face only showed doubt and confusion and hopelessness. Asuka didn't understand. Asuka sat up on her knees. Shiki shakily followed but kept her eyes trained on the ground.

"Hey, hey, do you want to talk about it?"

"I lied to you." She sniffled.

"That's okay, you already told me that."

"I'm a liar. I don't know who I am. I just," she sniffled again, "I just… act. I don't let anyone in."

"Oh, well why not?"

"Because they'll see I'm a bad person. It's easier to cut myself out first. High school, college, m-my parents."

"Well, I don't think you're bad, Shiki. In fact… in fact I kind of like you."

Oh shit. Oh god, she said it. She screwed it up at the critical moment. Shiki was going to hate her. Think she was disgusting or something, hitting on a girl when she's at her lowest point. Her hands were over her face, shit she needed to hide her shame.

Instead, she felt Shiki pull her hands apart, lean in, and kiss her.

The rest of the night was a blur. Hands, fingers, voices, bodies, it was too much. Asuka was drunk on it. But the whole time Shiki didn't say a single word and her eyes never glittered.

* * *

Shiki left the live before Asuka got the chance to talk with her. She was always gone when Asuka was in the office and she never touched the cassette tape with the red marker on it.


End file.
